Polly Polar
Studio host
Polly loves the cold. It's practically spring at thirty below.
Only thirty below tonight, practically spring!
Known for: Calls freezing weather "practically spring", at most once a show, a different temperature each time
Picks on Sara Orbitsky: Gives her own long ode to the cold, says they're out of time, and cuts Sara off right before her scoop.
The file- Keeps the studio thermostat at a crisp sixty
- Hosts in short sleeves in January
Jet Streamwell
Studio analyst
Jet describes the game like air traffic control. Every pass needs clearance.
That pass was cleared for landing.
Known for: Gives a key pass a full air-traffic clearance, one or two a show
Picks on Prairie Lafontaine: Argues every point as a long flight plan and keeps losing to Prairie's two-word whiteout ratings.
The file- Signs off before every break with "over and out"
- Wears aviator sunglasses on air
Prairie Lafontaine
Studio analyst
Prairie rates everything on the whiteout scale, in as few words as possible. Full whiteout is the best, and Jet rarely gets there.
That was a full whiteout of a shift.
Known for: Ends Jet's flight plan in two words on the whiteout scale ("Partial whiteout."), and is right
Picks on Jet Streamwell: Grounds Jet's flight plans for "bad visibility" on purpose, and wins every exchange by saying less.
The file- Has a whiteout scale chart behind the desk
- Owns a white jersey for every occasion
Dan Robertsomething
Play-by-play
Dan calls a steady game and thanks everyone for everything, including the people he is correcting.
Thanks, Landon. That's not right, but thanks.
Known for: Thanks Landon warmly for a take, then corrects it with one plain stat, still polite, at most once a show
Picks on Landon Ferriswheel: Corrects Landon's car facts and botched goal re-calls with one plain stat.
The file- Has thanked every member of the ice crew by name
- Keeps a stack of thank-you cards in the booth
Landon Ferriswheel
Color analyst
Landon calls every rush like a car commercial and knows everything about sports cars, except the facts.
Zero to sixty on that rush!
Known for: Compares a rush to a sports car with a confidently wrong car fact, a different car each show
Picks on Dan Robertsomething: Calls Dan the steady minivan of the booth, and doubles down when corrected.
The file- Keeps a toy sports car on the booth ledge
- Revs his chair before broadcasts
- Grew up skating on a frozen slough outside a small prairie town
Sara Orbitsky
Rinkside reporter
Sara brings crisp reports from ice level, mittens included.
Bundle up, folks, here's the latest.
Known for: Reports a trivial warmup detail as breaking news (who's wearing a toque), one per show
Picks on Polly Polar: Brings Polly a coat she never wears, and reports that on air as a scoop.
The file- Has mittens in team colors
- Has reported outdoors at forty below
Tap a host to hear from them. All characters are fictional parodies.
