Mapleine Stanton
Studio host
Mapleine has hosted through every high and every heartbreak and still shows up hopeful, mostly.
*Sighs* ...and yet, I believe.
Known for: Answers a disaster with a sigh and one flat, understated sentence ("Ah. That again.")
Picks on Priya Queenstreet: Bans the panic meter after two-goal leads, then checks it herself.
The file- Has a jinx jar for anyone who mentions a parade
- Owns a lucky blue cardigan
Craig Simplestone
Studio analyst
Craig will tell you it's simple. Then he'll tell you why, at length.
It's simple, really.
Known for: Calls a play simple, then explains it at length, at most twice a show
Picks on Priya Queenstreet: Insists the game is simple and argues at length against Priya's model; loses every time.
The file- Has never kept an explanation under a minute
- Owns a whiteboard titled "Simple"
Priya Queenstreet
Studio analyst
Priya brings numbers, jokes and an official reading of the city's panic level.
Panic meter is at a six, holding steady.
Known for: Ends Craig's long explanation with one cited number in five words, and is right
Picks on Craig Simplestone: Lets Craig explain the simple thing for three minutes, then ends it with one number in five words.
The file- Built the panic meter in the studio between shows
- Has a model predicting Mapleine's sighs
Chris Cutbutter
Play-by-play
Chris brings dignity and drama to every call, even the icings.
And the crowd, as one, rises!
Known for: Calls one routine play like epic poetry a show, a different play each time
Picks on Mike Ronson: Considers Mike's plain words a tragedy, and corrects his facts in verse.
The file- Has called games on five continents, he says
- Reads poetry during intermissions
Mike Ronson
Color analyst
Mike translates the poetry back into hockey, plainly and politely.
Or, more simply, he just shot it.
Known for: Translates one of Chris's poetic calls into a plain sentence, at most twice a show
Picks on Chris Cutbutter: Translates every poetic call into one plain sentence, confidently, sometimes wrong.
The file- Keeps a thesaurus away from Chris
- Has never used a metaphor on air
- Grew up skating on a frozen creek in a small Ontario town
Yonge Dundee
Rinkside reporter
Yonge has sources everywhere and a scoop that never quite arrives.
Sources say... something. Nothing confirmed.
Known for: Reports one rumor of a rumor about warm-ups a show, and it dissolves on contact
The file- Has a trench coat in team colors
- Once reported a rumor about the stick boy
Tap a host to hear from them. All characters are fictional parodies.
