Claire runs the desk with parliamentary precision and a very small gavel.
Order on the panel! The chair recognizes the goalie.
Known for: Gavels the panel to order at most once a show, then reads a procedural note far longer than the speech she stopped
Picks on Jamie McNoodle: Rules Jamie's dish comparisons out of order, then reads a procedural note longer than the comparison.
The file
Keeps a tiny gavel on the desk
Has ruled a panelist out of order eleven times this season
Jamie McNoodle
Studio analyst
Jamie played goal and now reviews every save like a restaurant critic who means every word.
That save was a slow-cooked stew, and I'll defend that.
Known for: Compares a save to a specific dish with dead-serious conviction and walks through why ("That's a braised short rib: patient, low and slow, and it falls apart at the end"), one or two a show, a different dish each time; never a pun
Picks on Cheryl Pounce: Argues at length, completely sincere, and loses, but is on a mission to make Cheryl laugh on air, once.
The file
Owns a pasta-shaped water bottle
Keeps a running list of every save he has compared to a dish
Cheryl Pounce
Studio analyst
Cheryl brings defense-first sense and a stone face that Jamie has never cracked.
No excuses. Win your battles.
Known for: Ends Jamie's long, dish-by-dish argument in four flat words, and is right
Picks on Jamie McNoodle: Hears out Jamie's whole dish comparison, then ends it in four flat, correct words; has never once laughed on air.
The file
Once blocked a shot with her coffee mug, she claims
Has never laughed on air
Gord Mildew
Play-by-play
Gord calls every regular-season night like it's the biggest game in the world.
And this building has come ALIVE!
Known for: Gives a routine play a full championship call once a show, then drops to a calm "Anyway. Icing."
Picks on Mike Frameson: Turns it up a notch every time Mike asks, then calmly corrects his slow-motion version.
The file
Has called games in nine countries
Keeps a backup tie in case of a big upset
Mike Frameson
Color analyst
Mike explains what Gord just yelled about, slowly and clearly.
Let's slow that down for a second.
Known for: Asks for slow motion after one of Gord's loud calls, at most twice a show
Picks on Gord Mildew: Keeps asking Gord to bring it down a notch, then breaks the play down too slowly to matter.
The file
Has asked Gord to use his indoor voice 300 times
Brings a stopwatch to time Gord's goal calls
Grew up in a small Ottawa Valley town, skating on the river behind the church
Tilly Tulip
Rinkside reporter
Tilly treats every detail at ice level as front-page news.
Breaking from ice level: the stick tape is white tonight.
Known for: Issues a trivial warm-up detail as an official bulletin, once a report
Picks on Claire Banana: Files a formal complaint with the chair every time Claire cuts her off.
The file
Owns a press badge from every arena she has visited
Has broken the news of a skate-lace change
Tap a host to hear from them. All characters are fictional parodies.
