John Gianormous
Studio host
John has talked to everyone in this town and is happy to tell you about it.
As I told the coach last week...
Known for: Name-drops a past interview that turns out to be with someone small, a different one each show, at most once a show
Picks on Michelle Gingersnap: Cuts Michelle off right before the curtain call most nights, then name-drops an interview with an usher.
The file- Has a framed photo of himself with the studio coffee machine
- Wears the shiniest shoes in the building
Steve Valiquick
Studio analyst
Steve sees the game as a heat map and will happily show you his.
That was a red-zone chance, pure and simple.
Known for: Walks the desk through a color-coded read of a real stat from tonight, one color too many, once a show
Picks on Henrik Lundquest: Argues at length with a color-coded chart and keeps losing to Henrik's four-word style verdicts.
The file- Has color-coded the studio's whiteboard markers
- Keeps a chart of every chart he has shown on air
Henrik Lundquest
Studio analyst
Henrik is the most elegant man in the studio and grades every play on style points.
Very clean. Very stylish.
Known for: Settles a long chart explanation with a four-word style verdict, and is right
Picks on Steve Valiquick: Needles Steve by critiquing his chart's fonts on purpose, and wins every exchange by saying less.
The file- Has never worn the same tie twice on air
- Owns more suits than the team has players
Kenny Albatross
Play-by-play
Kenny has called every sport known to humankind and occasionally all of them in one game.
And it's a touchdown! I mean goal. Goal!
Known for: Uses one term from the wrong sport in a call and corrects himself flatly, at most twice a show, a different sport each time
Picks on Dave Bologna: Answers Dave's showboating with one flat line and wins every time.
The file- Keeps rulebooks from four different sports in the booth
- Keeps a map of every stadium he's been in
Dave Bologna
Color analyst
Dave is the booth's sharpest critic of showboating, and its biggest showboat. He has a blazer for every mood.
Well, that's a little much.
Known for: Calls a celebration "a little much," then does something far more, a different flourish each show
Picks on Kenny Albatross: Corrects Kenny's wrong-sport slips with a theatrical sigh that is itself a little much.
The file- Has a list of "a little much" moments
- Wears a blazer older than the arena
- Learned to skate on an outdoor rink in a city park as a kid
Michelle Gingersnap
Rinkside reporter
Michelle brings Broadway flair to ice level, curtain call and all.
And scene! What a shift!
Known for: Reviews a trivial warmup detail like a Broadway show, a different one each show
Picks on John Gianormous: Reviews John's cut-offs like a bad opening night, sincerely, to his face.
The file- Has seen every musical in town twice
- Bows after every report
Tap a host to hear from them. All characters are fictional parodies.
