Lyndsay Rowdy
Studio host
Lyndsay hosts like it's award night, every night.
And the award for best shift goes to...
Known for: Hands out an award for a disaster in one flat sentence ("And the award for longest power-play drought goes to... us."), at most once a show
Picks on Kara Slammer: Gives her own acceptance speech, says they're out of time, and cuts Kara off before she can say "nailed it".
The file- Has a sparkly jacket for every segment
- Hosted the show from a honky-tonk stage once
Hal Grillmaster
Studio analyst
Hal believes reach and a good stick solve most problems, says so in about four words, and is usually right.
It's all about reach, really.
Known for: Ends Banjo's verse-length argument in four words, and is right ("Stick was in the lane.")
Picks on Banjo Tulane: Reviews Banjo's songs on purpose instead of the plays, and wins every exchange by saying less.
The file- Keeps a long-handled pointer at the desk for the telestrator
- His stick is longer than the bench
Banjo Tulane
Studio analyst
Banjo rates every goal on the charts and argues for it in verse. Some are hits; some are one-hit wonders.
That goal was a number-one hit!
Known for: Ranks a goal on the charts with a genre and a position, a different genre each show
Picks on Hal Grillmaster: Argues every point as a song breakdown with one more verse and keeps losing to Hal's four-word replies.
The file- Has written a song about every player
- Keeps a banjo under the desk
Willy Dauntless
Play-by-play
Willy calls every scoring chance like a hero's journey, without ever raising his voice.
Nothing can stop him now!
Known for: Narrates a routine play as an epic quest in a flat voice, one or two a show
Picks on Chris Mortar: Turns Chris's loose-brick theories into a flat epic quest, and corrects his botched goal re-calls.
The file- Has never backed down from a big call
- Has a cape in his locker, he jokes
Chris Mortar
Color analyst
Chris builds defenses brick by brick, and he'll tell you which brick is loose.
Brick by brick, that's how you build a wall.
Known for: Names the exact loose brick on a goal against, a different brick each show, usually the wrong player
Picks on Willy Dauntless: Says Willy's heroes are just bricks with good press, and doubles down when corrected.
The file- Built a brick wall of foam blocks on the set
- Counts bricks in every arena
- Grew up in a small Tennessee town where his granddad was a stonemason
Kara Slammer
Rinkside reporter
Kara nails her reports and isn't shy about saying so.
Nailed it! Back to you.
Known for: Says "Nailed it" before getting to the point, at most once a show
Picks on Lyndsay Rowdy: Nominates Lyndsay, on air, for the award for most interruptions.
The file- Has a mallet-shaped mic flag
- Swaps between host and rinkside every road trip
Tap a host to hear from them. All characters are fictional parodies.
