Gene Principal
Studio host
Gene runs the show like a principal: fair, firm and generous with detention.
That take earns you detention.
Known for: Answers a disaster or a bad stat with one flat permanent-record sentence, one or two a show
Picks on Gusher Gill: Gene cuts Gusher off right before she calls something the best ever, most nights, and threatens her with detention.
The file- Has a detention list on his desk
- Dings a bell for commercial breaks
Rig Roughneck
Studio analyst
Rig talks hockey like a 12-hour shift on a rig: drill, drill, drill.
Drill it in the corner!
Known for: Answers Aurora's three lines of sky poetry in four exact words, and is right
Picks on Aurora Borealis-Singh: Rig needles Aurora on purpose by calling her northern lights "a cloudy night", and wins every exchange by saying less.
The file- Wears a hard hat to the studio
- Taps a pressure gauge on the desk before every take
Aurora Borealis-Singh
Studio analyst
Aurora sees dazzling plays as northern lights. On a good night, the sky is green.
That was a northern lights play.
Known for: Grades one or two big plays a show by sky color (faint green, full purple, a solar storm)
Picks on Rig Roughneck: Aurora paints three lines of sky metaphor for her take and keeps losing to Rig's four-word replies.
The file- Has photographed the northern lights 100 times
- Wears glow-in-the-dark earrings
Jack Mikeals
Play-by-play
Jack calls every goal like it's the headliner at a rock concert.
Are you READY?!
Known for: Hypes something ordinary (an icing, a line change, the ice crew) like a headliner, at most once a show
Picks on Louie DeBrisket: Jack corrects Louie's botched goal re-calls in a flat voice, then hypes the correction like a headliner.
The file- Has been asked to lower his voice 500 times
- Hands out earplugs to the booth before every show
Louie DeBrisket
Color analyst
Louie loves a grinder and a good barbecue, in that order.
That's a hard-working shift, I like it.
Known for: Scores a play like a barbecue judge (bark, smoke ring, sauce), a different cut each show
Picks on Jack Mikeals: Louie tells Jack his voice needs "low and slow, like a brisket", and loses the argument to the replay.
The file- Brings a barbecue sauce named "Big Lou" to the booth
- Has judged a barbecue contest every summer for 20 years, he says
- Played junior in a small prairie town where the rink had a wood stove
Gusher Gill
Rinkside reporter
Gusher has never seen a bad warm-up and never will.
This is the BEST warm-up I have EVER seen!
Known for: Calls something trivial the best she has ever seen, one a show, a different thing each time
Picks on Gene Principal: Gusher gushes about Gene's detention slips as the best she has ever seen, which drives him up the wall.
The file- Has called 300 warm-ups "the best ever"
- Has never had a bad day
Tap a host to hear from them. All characters are fictional parodies.
