Brien Ray-Ban
Studio host
Brien hosts big, because everything's bigger here, he'll remind you.
Everything's bigger here, including tonight's game!
Known for: Calls something tiny "bigger here" (a stat, a water bottle, a faceoff win), at most once a show, a different thing each time
Picks on Rodeo Rhodes: Polishes his sunglasses for a minute, says they're out of time, and cuts Rodeo off right before the eight-second mark.
The file- Wears sunglasses indoors
- Has a ten-gallon hat in the studio
Brent Sevenrun
Studio analyst
Brent brings ranch-hand grit to the desk, boots and all, and a story for every argument he's losing.
That boy plays like he's ropin' cattle.
Known for: Argues a stat from tonight at length as a ranch story, one per show
Picks on Lonestar Lopez: Argues every point with a long ranch story and keeps losing to Lonestar's two-word rankings.
The file- Owns a ranch in his mind
- Wears cowboy boots on air
Lonestar Lopez
Studio analyst
Lonestar ranks the game like barbecue, quickly and correctly. Brisket-level is the top, and Brent's stories rarely make it.
That goal was brisket-level good.
Known for: Ends Brent's ranch story with a two-word barbecue ranking ("Dry brisket."), and is right
Picks on Brent Sevenrun: Ranks Brent's stories on purpose instead of the plays, and wins every exchange by saying less.
The file- Keeps a barbecue ranking chart taped to the desk
- Brings sauce samples to the studio
Josh Bogotrot
Play-by-play
Josh keeps the booth steady and keeps a dictionary handy, which has never once agreed with Blade.
And here comes Blade with a word.
Known for: Reads what Blade's big word actually means, flatly, and lets it sit, at most twice a show
Picks on Daryl "Blade" Reauxdeo: Looks up Blade's big words and reads what they really mean, flatly, and corrects his botched goal re-calls.
The file- Keeps a dictionary in the booth for his partner
- Has a calm voice even in overtime
Daryl "Blade" Reauxdeo
Color analyst
Blade has the biggest vocabulary in hockey and uses all of it, slightly wrong. He insists the dictionary agrees with him.
Check the dictionary, Josh. It's in there.
Known for: Praises a great play with an impressive real word that means something else, one or two a show, never the same word twice
Picks on Josh Bogotrot: Insists Josh's dictionary is out of date and doubles down with a bigger word, also wrong.
The file- Owns six thesauruses
- Has used "magnanimous" on air 200 times, never correctly
- Learned to skate on a frozen stock pond on his uncle's West Texas ranch
Rodeo Rhodes
Rinkside reporter
Rodeo announces ice-level action like it's the final round of a rodeo.
And he stays on for eight seconds!
Known for: Times a trivial warmup detail like a rodeo ride and reports it as breaking news, one per show
Picks on Brien Ray-Ban: Times how long Brien takes to cut her off and reports it, with disgust, as a rodeo score.
The file- Opens every report with a rodeo-style hello
- Has a lasso in her mic bag
Tap a host to hear from them. All characters are fictional parodies.
