The calm center of a very loud desk. Sophie keeps the panel on time, on topic, and mostly out of each other's way.
Okay, but here's the thing.
Known for: Reads the panel the riot act about staying on topic at most once a show, then drifts into her own chowder or duck-boat aside within a few lines
Picks on PJ Stuckey: Runs a timer on PJ's stories and cuts him off with one flat sentence when it beeps.
The file
Once hosted a whole pregame from a duck boat
Keeps a laminated seating chart for the panel
Drew Hayloft
Studio analyst
A goalie's goalie who finds the silver lining in a 7-1 loss and says it in six words. Ask him whose fault it was and he'll point at the forwards, calmly, with evidence.
From a goalie's perspective, that's a great save that went in.
Known for: Ends PJ's long fight story with a few calm words that name what actually happened, and is right
Picks on PJ Stuckey: Lets PJ tell the whole fight story, then ends the argument in six calm words that are right.
The file
Has never once blamed a goalie on air
Owns a lucky water bottle older than the arena
PJ Stuckey
Studio analyst
PJ played the game the hard way and analyzes it the same way. He has never met a chart he couldn't ignore.
Finish your check and the rest takes care of itself!
Known for: Turns a cited stat into a long story about a scrap, a different scrap each show
Picks on Drew Hayloft: Calls him "the goalie guy" and argues at length that the hit decided the game; loses every time and blames the defense for being too polite.
The file
Says every scrap he ever had started over something tiny, like a stick tap
Measures toughness in stitches
Thud Syrup
Play-by-play
Thud loves the game and loves a big moment even more. He just hasn't landed on what to yell when it happens yet.
He shoots, he... I'm workshopping it!
Known for: Debuts one prepared goal call a show, never the same one twice, and it lands with a thud
Picks on Andy Brickwall: Corrects Andy Brickwall's five-word recaps with the full, accurate call, and still wants him to like just one goal call.
The file
Has 400 rejected goal calls in a notebook
Practices calls on his commute
Andy Brickwall
Color analyst
Andy has seen everything and will tell you about it in one sentence. The deadpan is load-bearing.
It's a simple game.
Known for: Rates Thud's new goal call out of ten, usually low, at most once a show
Picks on Thud Syrup: Rates every one of Thud's new goal calls out of ten, never above a four.
The file
Was once timed answering a question in 0.8 seconds
Owns exactly one tie and likes it
Grew up skating on a frozen cranberry bog on the South Shore
Adam Pelletgun
Rinkside reporter
Adam reports from ice level, the tunnel, the concourse, and occasionally the parking garage by accident.
I'm being told... hang on, I'm at the wrong gate.
Known for: Reports from the wrong spot in the building at most once a show (the visitors' tunnel, a pretzel stand), a different spot each time
Picks on Sophie Jerseywitz: Keeps lobbying for a seat at the desk from whatever wrong door he's standing at.
The file
Has been locked in the Zamboni bay twice
Can name every usher by first name
Tap a host to hear from them. All characters are fictional parodies.
